


All I Can Say

by TheXJames



Series: It Matters How This Ends [1]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurts So Good, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Long-Distance Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-28 22:12:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16250822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheXJames/pseuds/TheXJames
Summary: "Please." Beca breathed. "Please stay with me.""Becs…" Chloe was crying, she could tell, and that spurred Beca on."Chlo, I can do better. I'll cut back at work. I'll make time for you. Please don't leave me." Beca knew it was wrong. She knew it was cruel of her to do it this way. Chloe wouldn't have ended things if she thought it could be fixed.





	All I Can Say

**Author's Note:**

> This is another rough one. I don't know what's wrong with me. 
> 
> Inspired by California King Bed by Rihanna, although there's is little to no similarity.
> 
> xx Continue at your own risk....

She didn't know how much longer she could go on this way.

Everything hurt all the time.

She couldn't sleep, could barely eat, and hadn't been to work in three days.

How could she survive this?

What was the point anymore?

 

It wasn't that she didn't want to live, she did. How could she continue to breathe though, knowing she'd lost the love of her life. She had allowed distance to infiltrate a seemingly unbreakable relationship and now she reaped the consequences.

Chloe had given up. She'd left, and Beca didn't know if she would ever come back.

A better person would have seen it coming. The signs were all there; phone calls being missed, text messages taking longer and longer to come in, skype dates becoming non-existent. Honestly it was her own fault. Beca had been so caught up in wrapping the album she'd been working on that she probably wouldn't have noticed the distinct lack of contact had it not been for that fateful voicemail she'd received, the one she couldn't bring herself to stop listening to.

She hadn't even checked it until two days after it was left. As soon as she did, she knew she'd fucked up. Chloe was sniffling softly, which broke Beca's heart. Before Chloe even spoke she knew what was to be said. She was done. She couldn't do it anymore, couldn't wait up for a call that wasn't going to come, couldn't spend her nights alone staring at the phone for a text that didn't exist. She loved Beca she said, but it wasn't enough anymore. She had to do this for herself. The worst part, Beca thought, was that she was right.

Beca had been everything she despised. Distant, short, and inattentive of Chloe's needs; she had become her father.

She didn't know when it happened exactly, but sometime between moving to LA and the present she'd forgotten why she was making music in the first place.

(It had all been for Chloe.)

She'd taken a deal with EMI Records as a junior producer to help them be able to afford Chloe's vet school. Chloe didn't want her to do it, but Beca insisted. This was the best option for them, between Chloe's night job at the library and this producing job they'd have plenty of money for finishing vet school and to save up for a place in LA once Chloe graduated. It was only going to be for a year anyway, and they could definitely handle a year of distance. They were Bloe after all, as Fat Amy called them, they could handle anything.

That was eight months ago, and obviously Beca had been very wrong. Regret and heartbreak infiltrated every breath she took as she listened to the voicemail left by her love once more. She could hear the tremble of Chloe's voice, and it made her heart hurt that much more. Her Chloe, her beautiful sunshine was broken and it was Beca's fault. She'd tried to call her as soon as she'd finished the message the first time, of course. Chloe hadn't picked up until the third ring, and when she did Beca noticed how tired she sounded. Beca wanted to apologize, to say all the right things to fix this. She knew it was futile though, Chloe deserved more than Beca had been for her. She opened her mouth to tell Chloe just that, but what came out was a desperate plea to not do this.

"Please." Beca breathed. "Please stay with me."

"Becs…" Chloe was crying, she could tell, and that spurred Beca on.

"Chlo, I can do better. I'll cut back at work. I'll make time for you. Please don't leave me." Beca knew it was wrong. She knew it was cruel of her to do it this way. Chloe wouldn't have ended things if she thought it could be fixed. Begging would do nothing but make it more painful. She knew all of this, yet she still begged. "I need you." She said weakly. What came next hurt more than anything in her life.

"You haven't needed me for a while, Beca. I needed you, god I still need you, but I can't…I can't keep waiting for you to be there again." Chloe took a breath, trying to calm herself.

Beca wanted to speak but she couldn't form words. She had so much she needed to tell Chloe but nothing would come out. She had to tell her how much she meant to her, how she did need Chloe and she'd just gotten wrapped up in herself and it was a mistake, how Chloe was the most important thing in her life. She needed to say all of these things, yet she said nothing. It was everything Chloe had said. She couldn't keep waiting on Beca. Beca had failed her.

"Becs…" Chloe had never sounded so hurt as she breathed the nickname. "I...I'm sorry. Goodbye."

And with the click of the receiver Beca's entire world crashed in on her.

That phone call happened three days ago, and Beca was pretty sure she'd slept less than 3 hours since. Nothing mattered anymore, her job, her apartment, food, showering, none of it had a point. She'd spent the majority of the last three days staring at the ceiling, wrestling with her mind.

Should she try to get Chloe back?

Could she even manage to do that?

The worst question though, was the one nagging her constantly.

Did she deserve the chance?

 

 

"Welcome to New York everyone, and thank you for flying Virgin Airlines." Beca moved on autopilot through the terminal. She grabbed her suitcase from baggage claim and went to the curb to hail a taxi. She loaded her luggage into the back and slid into the rear seat, giving the address to the driver. Her brain was focused on one thing only, and that was proving to Chloe that she didn't want to do any of this without her. Five days had gone by before Beca realized what she had to do. She immediately bought the next flight to New York, emailed her resignation to the record label, and burned a disc of the songs she had written for Chloe recently. Beca knew there was a good chance this was a horrible idea that would backfire on her, but she didn't care anymore. If there was a one percent chance that Chloe would take her back she had to do this. She could find another job, she could find another apartment.

There wasn't another Chloe, and once that realization dawned on her Beca couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. How had she let things get this way? How had she let Chloe hurt that way for so long? She would fix it though, she'd show Chloe what was truly important in her life.

As she stood in front of the door to the studio apartment Beca couldn't help but second guess herself. This could go horribly bad after all. There was a good chance Chloe wouldn't even want to see her, and would close the door on her before Beca could get a word out. She pushed the self-doubt to the back of her mind though as she tentatively knocked. Nobody responded, so she knocked again, a little more firmly this time. After about two minutes the door opened. Beca's heart broke all over again as she saw Chloe's face.

She had bags under her eyes that mirrored Beca's, evidence of the lack of sleep and crying in recent days. Even tear stained and sleep deprived though, Chloe was beautiful. All at once the emotions hit Beca as she realized just how much she'd missed the girl. Her arms ached to wrap around Chloe, to hold her and apologize until the day she died.

She couldn't do that though, at least not yet.

They stared at each other for a moment before Beca remembered why she was there, what she had to say. She took a breath and began to speak.

"Chlo, I do need you. I need you more than anything in my life. You're everything. Nothing matters if I don't have you to share it with. I could have everything I'd ever dreamed of and it wouldn't mean shit if you're not there. I need you more than LA, more than that job, more than the music. I just need you." Tears were streaming down Chloe's cheeks when Beca looked up at her again, and Beca knew she was crying as well by the wetness she felt on her face. She held her breath as she waiting for Chloe to respond.

"Beca." In that one word Beca could hear the rejection Chloe was preparing."We can't keep doi-"

"I quit." Beca said quickly. Chloe's eyes widened.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I quit my job. Resigned. Sublet my apartment and came back here with everything important. The rest is in storage. I sent my resume to some local stations and record labels last night before my flight. I'm not going back. I'm not leaving you again. I know I screwed up, it was my fault, I let things take your place in my life and I can't apologize enough for that. I'll never be able to forgive myself but I'll spend every minute of every day begging you to forgive me if that's what you need." Beca's voice was shaking at this point but she couldn't stop. She had to make sure Chloe knew everything. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, you know? I lost sight of that for a while, I got caught up in everything that was happening and lost myself, if I'm honest. And I know I should have realized this before now, I know I'm late to the game here, but I don't want any of this without you. I've wasted too much time...I let you down. I failed you, and i know that, but please don't give up on me. Don't give up on us." Beca had more to say but her voice was raw and her throat was dry. She swallowed and tried to continue but Chloe put her hand up.

"You quit your job?" Her cheeks were still tear stained but she'd stopped crying. Beca wasn't sure if that was a good or bad sign.

"Yes." Beca hung her head slightly. "I should have done it a long time ago." Beca felt fingers on her chin lifting her head. She looked up and saw ice blue eyes staring at her with mixed emotions. Pain, confusion, but most importantly, love. She felt fingertips on her jawline as Chloe continued to stare at her. Fingertips moved across her jaw and down her neck and shoulder, grazing her arm until they entertwined with her own. Beca glanced down at their connected hands before looking back at Chloe, trying to not be too hopeful at what this meant.

"Becs." Something about hearing her name on Chloe's lips again released everything inside of Beca. Every emotion she'd felt over the last five days came over her at once. Chloe must have realized it because she quickly pulled Beca to her, wrapping her arms around the brunette as sobs took over her.

"I'm sorry." Beca whispered between sobs. "I'm so, so sorry." They stood that way, in the doorway of a crappy studio apartment in the middle of New York, for what felt like hours. Finally Beca began to calm down, her sobs turning to silent tears as she held tightly to Chloe.

"Beca, look at me" Chloe gently whispered. Beca pulled back slightly so she could see Chloe's face. "Let's go inside so we can talk about all of this." Chloe led her to the pull out bed they'd shared for so many years. They sat side by side, their hands still entwined. Chloe cleared her throat quietly, and Beca knew that meant she was about to speak so she waited.

"Becs, I love you. I have loved you for as long as I've known you, and I'll probably always love you. You're my Beca. But you also broke my heart. There were so many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I missed you so badly. It wasn't just the distance either, I missed talking to you. I missed my best friend. Everytime something good happened, or something bad, I would call or text you and get no response. It hurt a lot Becs. It still does." Beca wiped a stray tear from Chloe's face as she waited for her to continue. "Part of me is so happy that you're here right now, because it's all I wanted. I wanted you to come back. But another part of me doesn't know how to feel. I love you and I know you love me, but it took something like this for you to realize that you needed me. I've spent the last few days reflecting on a lot of things about the way our relationship had been going. Things weren't good baby. They weren't healthy."

Chloe paused for a moment, and Beca was terrified of what was coming next. "It isn't all on you though." Beca released a breath she didn't know she was holding, not expecting Chloe to say that. Of course it was all on her. She's the one who screwed everything up.

"Chloe." Beca began, but stopped as Chloe squeezed her hand.

"No Beca, you need to hear this. It's not all your fault. I should have told you how I was feeling a long time ago. I felt you getting distant and ignored it. I was focused on school and work too. I thought if I ignored it things would just get better. If we had talked about things earlier it may not have gotten to this point. We both are to blame for this." Chloe paused again, taking Beca's hand a bringing it to her face. Beca allowed her fingers to softly roam over that beautiful face, remembering all of the things she'd missed so much about the redhead. She ran her fingers through Chloe's hair, and wanted nothing more than to kiss her in that moment. She realized it probably wasn't the best idea though, so she resisted.

"Chlo, can I say something?" Chloe looked at her and nodded softly, so she continued. "I should have payed attention. I should have seen how much you were hurting, and I definitely should have tried harder to talk to you. I never meant to make you think you weren't important, because you are. You're the most important thing in my life love, and it's one hundred percent my fault for not telling you that every day of my life."

Beca took a moment to pull Chloe closer, so that their foreheads were touching, before she spoke again, softly. "You are my heart Chloe. You are good, and strong, and beautiful inside and out. Everything in my life that's worthwhile is because of you. You make me a better person, you make me want to be a better person. You bring out a confidence in me that I didn't know existed. You help me see the things I can do. You always believe in me, even when...especially when I don't believe in myself. You are everything Chloe. It's always been you."

Beca took a breath and could feel Chloe's breathing ghost against her lips. She closed her eyes and let the feeling wash over her before she continued. "I would spend every day of the rest of my life reminding you of that, if you'll let me."

She felt the shift between them just before Chloe's lips met hers. Soft and loving, expressing every unsaid word and feeling. As lips moved against each other, Beca knew there were a lot of things they still needed to discuss. They had work to do, both of them. Yet in that moment Beca knew.

They would be okay.


End file.
